Empty Arm Syndrome for Miscarriage & Stillborn Moms

A few years ago my cousin lost one of her twins in utero. It was very sad and she had a hard time dealing with the loss. He was 32 weeks when he passed and when the twins were born at 34 weeks she had to decide what to do with his remains. As many people are deciding these days she had him cremated.

The hospital did a great job with him and preserving any memories of him possible. They took pictures, tried to put clothes on his little body, clipped some hair, and made a beautiful little box for his memories. The funeral home helped my cousin and her husband choose an urn that was gold and heart shaped, perfect for the remains of a tiny person.

About 5 months before she had the twins I had a baby boy and had gotten one of those stuffed bears with the heart beating musical things inside. It played music or a heartbeat to soothe the baby.

Even though she still had one baby to take care of, she still had empty arm syndrome and yearned to hold the other baby, something an urn could not fulfill. In the spirit of trying to help I gave her the teddy bear and told her to put the urn inside, this way, she could hold him, hug him, as she needed. It wasn't the answer to her prayers (to have her baby back) but it did help. She loved the bear and still has it with the urn inside.

Not only did it give the feeling of being able to hold something in his place, but it's something that can easily sit around the home without drawing a ton of attention from visitors and guests. People see a stuffed animal and don't think twice, not the same with a small gold metal heart that brings up a sad subject.

I hope someday to begin getting stuffed animals like these and helping other moms by personalizing them to their baby, in the mean time, I wonder what others think of the idea. Would it have helped you?

Rent Fetal Dopplers for Pregnancy Peace of Mind

During my first pregnancy I was worried all the time that something would happen and I wouldn't know if my baby was OK. I searched online to find a doppler I could buy, but was surprised to find one for rent instead. We paid $25 a month to rent it and I used it often to make sure the baby was still alive.

There are days when the baby is just inactive, it's sleeping all day from a growth spurt or it's just lazy from being up all night. We never really know what they are doing in there and unfortunately, while later miscarriages are unlikely they do happen, a baby that has passed feels much like a baby that hasn't kicked or moved for several hours.

They say stress isn't good for mom or the fetus so I figure this must be somewhat helpful. Of course, you have to get good at using the doppler while you feel the baby kicking that way you don't call the doctor for needless scares. There is a lot of information on the various sites that rent them and you can research how to best use a doppler.

Here are some of the rental sites:
http://www.babybeat.com/
http://www.bellybeats.com/
http://www.heartbeatsathome.com/

I haven't used any of these sites in 8 years so I am not going to back any specific one. However if I do get one for this pregnancy I am going to get it on eBay because you can get one for $60 which is much cheaper than several months at $25-$35.

Miscarriage Stories

One way I was able to work through some of the sadness of my miscarriage was to talk to other women who have had one, or read their stories.

My sister had a late miscarriage at 20 weeks at one point, and we discussed the differences. She told me, she felt worst for me because I would never know what happened, what the baby was, etc. I in fact felt worst for her, because she did know, she got to name him, and had him cremated and had a picture, all (for me) a far bigger reminder that it happened.

My cousin had two miscarriages in early pregnancy and while she was upset, she didn't take it the same way I did, she was able to move on much more easily but reminding herself it wasn't a baby yet. I guess the thought that the baby had a heart beat and was alive was for me enough to say it was my baby. We are all different.

Either way she told me, she often looks at the child she had after the miscarriage and thinks if it hadn't been for that miscarriage, she wouldn't have this child. That put a whole different spin on it for me, and gave me cause to be excited for a future pregnancy.

When I didn't get enough stories from friends and family I went online to search for miscarriage support. I found that most forums were ghost towns and what I really wanted was a chat room or instant message to discuss it with someone. I only found websites that detailed other peoples' stories though, and it surprised me that they were very helpful. Crying with their stories (and mine combined) helped me get through the sadness and anger I felt.

With that in mind I wanted to start sharing some links to other stories of miscarriage. Here is the first link I would like to share, bookmark this post and come back often to get more links:
http://blightedovum.kokopuff.net/stories.html

Learning It's a Miscarriage

No matter what symptoms of miscarriage you have, there always seems to be some kind of hope until a doctor or sonogram confirms you have in fact miscarried. When you first hear it, it might sound distant, like it doesn't apply to you, it's not your life, it's not you in the office being told, or it's all a bad dream.

The realization of the matter hits all of us differently and in different ways. Most doctors hate this part of their jobs, and can be very understanding or extremely disconnected because of the pain it may mean for their patient. It isn't that they don't care (in most cases) just that they have to deliver this bad news and they have no idea how you are going to handle it.

With my experience looking at sonograms I could tell from the 2 we had that there was no blood flow to the fetus and in the second one we had a few days later to confirm, that the sac and fetus had already begun to break apart. When the doctor confirmed it, it had been so crazy that I felt like I was dreaming and was just in a fog.

The most important thing I want to share with anyone who has had a miscarriage is it most likely is NOT your fault. Early miscarriages are often caused by chromosonal defects that could never result in a live birth. Even if you did do something that you think may contribute to your miscarriage there are so many elements that pertain to pregnancy one small instance is so unlikely to cause your miscarriage it's not worth considering.

Later miscarriages can be caused by falls, accidents, viruses (you may not even know you had), or other defects that take the body longer to realize. Some doctors are comtemplating the fact that the body may not be able to identify certain defects until as late as 24 weeks in some cases, causing late, and often times even more upsetting stillbirths.

As for deaths that occur during or close to the birthing process, there is most likely nothing you could do. Sometimes (and sadly enough) these things just happen. I've read a story about a woman's water breaking and causing the babies head to land on and crush the umbilical cord. The baby died from lack of blood flow. This was in Mothering magazine years ago. Instances like this are so uncommon and your chances are a million to one, there is nothing you can do, so don't blame yourself.

When you find out you have miscarried it is so important to let the grief come and allow yourself to go through the process. You will be sad, angry, possibly vengeful, you might try to rationalize it. Do what works for you, but give yourself the time and the right to process what has happened. In order to ever move on, you must process the grief.

Miscarriage Symptoms- Bleeding & Spotting

Usually the first signs of miscarriage come from some kind of bleeding, irregular cramping, or unusually uncomfortable lower back pain. While these are not always signs of miscarriage, they tend to be the first signs something could be wrong. The most common is spotting or bleeding, let's discuss what it could be:

Bleeding
There are a few reasons for spotting in the first trimester that could mean absolutely nothing is wrong with the fetus, ultimately though, most doctors feel that any spotting is cause for an ultrasound. Although there is little that can be done to save a pregnancy this early on, doctors I have seen like to monitor the situation. This keeps the patient more relaxed, causing less stress, which we all know is not good for the fetus.

Bleeding and spotting are two different things. Spotting refers to small spots of blood seen when you wipe, on your underwear, etc. It can be brown, pink, dark red, bright red, orange, even dark brown. Carefully monitor the color you see as your doctor is almost sure to ask what you saw. Some websites advice to use a pad if you are spotting at all to be able to really see what's coming out.

Bleeding on the other hand is similar or worst than a regular period. One time bleeding, such as after sex, would be less cause for concern than continuous bleeding that happens over several hours or even a day or two.

Anytime you see blood though it is a good idea to discuss it with your doctor and follow their advice to the letter. Unfortunately the most you can do is relax with your feet up if you are spotting. Doctors need to know about any spotting or bleeding so that they can assess the situation. If they are worried about hemorrhaging it is best to be on the safe side and let them know of any changes.

Like I said there are times when spotting is common in early pregnancy, such as the following situations:

• Subchorionic Hematoma- similar to a bruise where the implantation occured, it may bleed out causing you to spot. This is from my own experience and information from my doctor. All was fine. 
• Capillaries in the cervix- extra blood to the area may cause some spotting from burst capillaries. 
• Placenta Previa- if the placement is close to the cervix there may be spotting from this. Again my own experience. 
• Implantation spotting- usually fairly early in the pregnancy. Up to 6-12 days after conception.
• Urinary tract or pelvic infection
• Sex- as the cervix is very tender at this time.

Although bleeding is a very common miscarriage symptom, it does not always mean there is a problem. Be calm and call your doctor to have the access the situation. Relaxation, constant hydration and hope are your best bets when you notice any blood, until the situation can be fully evaluated.

Resources:
http://www.americanpregnancy.org/pregnancycomplications/bleedingduringpreg.html
http://www.babymed.com/pregnancy/bleeding-and-spotting-early-pregnancy

Miscarriage Statistics

The statistics behind miscarriage are actually quite astounding. For instance, the American Pregnancy Association says that 10-15% of clinically recognized pregnancies end in miscarriage. From the information I read that refers to a positive result in blood and or urine that a pregnancy exists as the HCG hormone is present.

Apparently though, many pregnancies end far before this point, though no one seems exactly sure how often. Estimates are up to 50% but those miscarriages you would never know occur. These would include the egg being released after it has been implanted. This happens so often though that most women only experience a slightly heavier period.

What we learn from all of this is that miscarriage is very common, this sounds scary, but the numbers of 10-15% means that only 1-2 out of 10 pregnancies that actually show up as positive on a home test will miscarry. Most women do not get pregnant 10 times in their lives, so your chances are even smaller of having a pregnancy that will fail while you are aware of it.

For those that still worry about miscarriage, here is some helpful news:

• 80% of miscarriages happen within the first trimester and as Dr. Michael Roizen (author of YOU: Having a Baby ) states, most of these are due to chromosonal issues that would not produce a live birth. 
• Once a heartbeat is present and considered normal the likelihood of miscarriage is very low between 4-13% with those who have bleeding at the higher end, and those without at the lower end. 
• Additionally if you have had no previous miscarriage your risk is lower.
• If you are under age 30 years old, your risk is between 10-15%, after 30 the risk raises slowly but can get up to 33% by age 42.

Articles I Used to Write this Post:
http://www.sharecare.com/question/when-miscarriages-likely-to-happen
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/sites/entrez?db=pubmed&uid=1646226&cmd=showdetailview&indexed=google
http://www.dfwivf.com/miscarriage.html
http://www.americanpregnancy.org/pregnancycomplications/miscarriage.html

What is Miscarriage Support?

When I first miscarried I was astounded how little support there was online for such a common and sad event in 1 out of every 20 womens' lives. I looked for forums, websites, blogs and found little support that would help me move deal with my miscarriage.

Now that I have healed I wanted to put something together for those who come after me, a place where you can find a familiar shoulder to cry on during your hard time. I plan to post all about my own story, and would love to have people submit theirs as well.